What’s me and what’s MS?

Epiphanies, Fatigue, Life is hard, More than words, MS, Multiple Sclerosis

I’ve been off work for the past couple of weeks battling extreme – I mean EXTREME – fatigue.  

Early 90s call-back! Hair!


Is ‘battling’ the correct verb? It’s so proactive, confrontational. Would ‘suffering’, ‘enduring’, even plain old, sitting on the fence, no bias here, ‘experiencing’, be better? I think it depends where I am on the self-pity scale. I’m leaning toward ‘enduring’ right now. 

Have I mentioned how awful a symptom fatigue is? Yep, I think maybe I have. No need for sarcasm young lady (or man, if you must)! It doesn’t suit you. 

Enough rambling. We’re here to explore the question: What’s me and what’s MS? So take off those muddy boots, leave them by the door step, come join me on the rug.  

Some ramblers, yesterday.

 
I think I’ve got this on my mind because fatigue’s the kind of symptom that lends itself to this question. 

What I mean is, for example, I’ve never particularly relished the grind of day-to-day, full-time work (I know, who does and what exactly is wrong with them?), but does this mean that my MS perhaps has always been there, lurking in the shadows of my nervous system, biding its time, menacingly rubbing together its creepy little paws, sniggering in the manner of a cartoon villain, sporting a cape and other assorted accoutrements associated with such a character. Chilling. 

My point is thus: Have I found work tiresome because I’ve been suffering from MSfatigue, or is it just that I find work tiresome?

That’s not a good example. 

I think what I’m trying (and pretty much failing) to say, is because of the nature of this cussing mother-cussing disease, because so many of the symptoms, like fatigue, are invisible – other people can’t see them – you see? Which means you have to (over)explain them and, if you’re anything like me, this makes you feel fraudulent. Like a big, fat liar. 

Like you’re making excuses for the person that you are, rather than legitimately providing information about the condition that you’re in no way responsible for having (enduring). 

I think I may just have had an epiphany.  

 

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Sick and tired(!) of this damn fatigue. 

Fatigue, Life is hard, MS, Multiple Sclerosis

O Fatigue! How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. 

No, that’s the whole thing. There are exactly NO WAYS in which I love it. 

*anguished screamcry*

(How d’ya like that portmanteau word? I coined it to describe how I feel whilst reading The Observer of a Sunday; nothing better than kicking off your day with a bit of righteous anger).

 

Seems that I’m experiencing some full-on fatigue action right now. It’s really bad. I’m permanently exhausted. And it’s not like I’m  doing owt but ‘resting’. I honestly don’t know what to do for the best. Any suggestions forwardslash nifty MShacks would be totes welcome right about now.

I’m eating the right stuff (mainly spinach and kale); doing a bit of exercise on my cheap and cheerful exercise bike, also some improv yoga; dutifully taking my supplements (cod liver oil, vits D and B12, turmeric, flax seeds). I’m retrying Amantadine too after giving up on it before (it made me feel well ill).

Despite feeling perma-awful, I’m worried that I’m actually a total fraud. That I’m making it all up. I’m a skiver. Should I even be off work? I could cope with 26 demanding 13 year olds, couldn’t I? Even though leaving my bedroom to go downstairs, make a cup of chai, is a bit of an ask? I dunno.

Life’s nothing if not hard.