It’s a common feeling, I’m sure. As if there’s a block in your mind. Like a piece of card shutting off a particular route in a lab rat maze. Or a farmyard gate that keeps sheep in and foxes out. I feel that my mind is a safe haven for fluffy mindless sheep and that all the clever wily foxes have given up and gone elsewhere. 
Here’s the state of play!
MS News. 

So. Way back then I had my first lot of Lemtrada. Since then, well, it’s all been very meh. And now my thyroid’s gone all hyper and I totally underestimated the effect that can have on a fellow. I mean, dude, it’s savage. Or not savage, more shit. 
Main News in which the first paragraph is put into a nice bit of yummy context. 

Pretty much one year ago I initiated the ‘Seeing How Being A Supply Teacher Works Out’ plan. My conclusions? It doesn’t really. Because – pay attention children, a lesson is on its way – turns out when getting paid irregularly, it’s wise to save for times ahead rather than doing as I’ve done which is to say, going: “yay, I have been paid and thus I shall buy many things.”
But, and this is where the block comes in, if not supply – what? I like teaching but I do not feel up to even being contracted to work part time in a specific school. I get so tired you see – and it only recently occurred to me that mental fatigue affects one physically.

When I try to envision a different role for myself, shutters come down. Alternate paths blur. All signs shift out of focus. 

I entirely have not a clue what to do. 

This is a complete selfish and superficial and pathetic thing, but money – I want to earn some. There are books and records and clothes and trinkets and travels and tickets and meals that I want! And looking at my pre-MS payslips and thinking about what I could have if it wasn’t for MS upsets me.

Would that it were. Trippingly. 

And the block. When, as today, I’m not working – I honestly don’t know what to do with myself. 

Like a little lab rat but with no purpose. 

I hate MS it makes me feel like a loser. 

*can’t get the spacing right, sorry. 

7 thoughts on “Blocks. 

  1. You are not a loser lol. Isn’t that why we started blogging because we didn’t know what else to with ourselves?


  2. I know exactly how you feel, because I too used work full-time in a well paying job and now am unable to do so because of this MS’ter. I want to work, I love my work (yes it’s true!) but I also feel that I can no longer work for someone else (even part-time). I still carry out training on-line, work for a few clients on-line and maintain my professional CPD requirements via on-line webinars. I know I don’t do anywhere near as much as I used to, but I carry on doing whatever little bits I can – because I need to FOR ME!

    It’s difficult, but even though you can see all the things that you could/should have been doing, carrying on with MS (even in a small way) is a success in itself – you are not a loser!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. My word! How have I not seen this page before? Finishing teaching in August following a medical incapacity meeting. Full time was too much and the only offer of part time was one day a week. Had one dose of Lemtrada but declined the second after numerous issues following the side effects. I’m 36, diagnosed 11 years ago and now find myself wondering what to do next. Supply work worries me due to not being able to guarantee work but looking for other positions can be sole destroying. How about a job earning the same amount you did a decade ago? Yes, that’s right. The hours of training and study have served to be about as much use as a chocolate fireguard. It’s depressing to apply for a job, only to be told you’re not suitable because you don’t have the relevant experience. I’d love to work for myself but, goddamnit, my foggy, pea soup brain keeps coming back to all the reasons why I shouldn’t. I’d love to hear if you’ve had any bolts of inspiration regarding work. Best of luck to you and I’ll post back if I have any ground breaking ideas…don’t hold your breath!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. My gosh! We seem to be the same person!
      Supply is alright – it’s obviously the irregularity of it that’s the problem. Also I always want to explain that I used to be a ‘proper’ teacher.
      I let you know if inspiration happen to strike…

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I feel at a cross roads. I have a well paid job I trained hard for but post MS find myself struggling more and wanting to jack it in and become a dog walker or something like that. Its the job related stress and long hours I struggle with more these days. Problem is I have a mortgage to pay for and my dog walking fantasy would leave me short. My current job gives me good security but I doubt its doing any favours for my health. I don’t know what to do but feel I’m coming to the end of my shelf life within my current role. I feel trapped by MS sometimes.

    Liked by 1 person

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