In about 2005 my legs started to feel, well, odd. My right leg, I think, went totally numb – I could still walk but it was weird enough to worry me. By the time my neuro appointment came around, I felt pretty silly about going – I was fine now.
Then it happened again.
And by now I was referring to “my MS” and having D (my husband now, my boyfriend then) and my friends rolling their eyes and raising their eyebrows – I was hugely health-anxious already.
I remember being in a bar one time (Edin’s in Nottingham – check it out!) and I got a filthy look off a woman after bumping in to her table. Talking to a friend afterwards I said something like, “man, It’s not my fault when I’m having an MS attack!” And she said something like, “It doesn’t work like that, Ema” BUT IT TOTALLY DOES. So, who’s laughing now? Well, neither of us, but still.
Then, at work one day everything felt like it was going in slow motion, and I remember saying to a fellow-teacher, “it feels like everything’s in slow motion.” And I didn’t go in the next day. I was supposed to be going to a gig, I can’t remember who the band was now*, but I was seeing double so I went to eye-emergency-hospital instead and got signed off work for a couple of weeks.
A person I used to work with sent me an email that said something along the lines of “hope you’re okay and not Googling your symptoms!”
I wasn’t but I did then.
And all the search results said double vision and optic neuritis and HARBINGER OF MULTIPLE SCLEROSIS.
When D got home from work I was mid breakdown and my right leg didn’t work anymore.
And I was supposed to be going to Berlin with L and A but I couldn’t.
And then it was all bad with much crying and throwing up and being unable to eat or walk properly or see properly and I read it could affect your hands as well then one of them stopped working and I couldn’t write either.
So eventually after being nursed by my parents back at home, after an MRI, after being looked after amazingly by C who is awesome, I was diagnosed and the first thing I said is “told you so” to D who was with me.
Than there were steroids and Rebif and being 100% okay for FIVE YEARS.
Oh, and I was nearly turned away from a bar in Sheffield because the guy on the door thought I was drunk and Bjork, who L and me were in Sheffield to see, was ill so she didn’t show up. It’s okay, we’re going to see her at MIF soon so, you know – that worked out.
*The Go! Team. I fact checked my own life.